My Unconventional Thinking Turned Out To Be The Medicine To Better Support Others
What My Resistance To The Over-Culture Taught Me & A Reflective Self Inquiry Prompt
Since childhood I have questioned the status quo, even when something was considered by the masses to be “healthy or normal.” In adulthood, I have lived what is considered an unconventional or untraditional life.
I recognize that the “normal” I questioned came from loving intentions and from an environment of humans trying to navigate generational trauma and suffering. I sense my higher Self knew this because I kept leaning in, or as my parents have said, “pushing back”, telling me “its just the way it is. Accept it and move on” — or something like that.
But I never did move on, or accept it. And like most children, ripe with curiosity and openness, I wanted to understand how come things came to be.
I kept questioning even if it was only inside my head, wanting to get to root causes and origins.
In my interactions with people, I realized quickly that I had a unique way of connecting. I had a different perspective to life and was drawn to the constant pursuit of gaining knowledge, especially piecing together ideas and concepts, and mapping patterns.
Let me be clear though — it wasn’t until much deep self-healing and self acceptance that I stepped into allowing my inner wisdom to guide me, and I stopped sacrificing parts of myself for the sake of “normal." “Not Fitting In” Is A Doorway To Our Gifts
Growing up, I never felt I fit in. There were small moments I would get a taste, but it was fleeting.
Learning what I have about the undertow of shame, and a culture that normalizes repression, suppression and dissociation of the unique expression of Self, I know how my story came to be, like so many of our stories have come to be.
I also know the profound value in reclaiming our gifts and reconnecting to our highest Self.
As a practitioner, I have witnessed that most people carry this feeling of “not fitting in” at some point, if not most, of their life.
While, naturally, as we grow up we become more independent in the world, meandering our way to groups and people who help support a sense of “fitting in”, the truth about “fitting in” is that it’s really about a greater re-connection to ourselves.
“Ego says, once everything falls into place, I’ll feel peace. Spirit says, find your peace and then everything will fall into place.”
- Marianne Williamson
Curious Like A Cat
It is in our relationships that we can learn to really unveil our patterns, seeing our reactions and our wounds.
When met by ourselves or by others with the distortion of the internal representations (attachments, aversions and misconceptions), we can feel the disconnection in our relationships. We can look at how we react, and inquire “does my reaction move me closer to connection or further away?”
In my twenty’s when I worked at a health food store I would ask as I was checking people at the register, “how are you?” When the reply was “I am ok”, without hesitation, I would respond with what I have come to learn is coined insight inquiry, asking, “what would make it better than ok?” or “what does ok mean to you?”
It felt natural to ask these questions. It felt important, and I genuinely was curious. Some people would light up and smile.
Some would stop and tune into themselves, recognizing what they needed, identifying, “I need a break from work” or “to get home to my family” or “I needed to be asked. Thank you.”
I never saw this as anything unusual until I began getting resistance. As the aversions to my compassionate inquiry came, while few and far between, I started to see that people didn’t want others to know how they really were.
There was an attachment (or perhaps a conditioned pattern?) to slide on by, be unnoticed, or maybe complain a bit (vent, unload) and go on with the routine of life.
They didn’t want to be seen.
As a counselor, I have come to understand that most people actually do want to be seen. It is just that they don’t feel safe, or know what safe is emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually, to allow themselves to be seen. I was young though. I didn’t have this knowledge.
The first few times this happened, I felt a sting inside, wondering “did I do something wrong?” The self doubt seeped in upon my genuine care for others’ well-being, and it became a profound opportunity for me to discover my innate gifts in this lifetime.
It wasn’t an easy path. In fact, it was quite the opposite.
Self Doubt Is A Slippery Slope
And a path that can become our reality if we do not awaken to see clearly what we are feeding ourselves.
While I could tell myself I didn’t do anything wrong by asking caring questions, my body didn’t believe it. My nervous system had stored memories of being shamed, blamed and tamed as a child when I made “mistakes.” My past childhood trauma screamed through my skin to be loved and held.
At the time, I did my best to listen.
A part of my medicine is that I have been given a great capacity to hold the depth of the human experience, and I have an innate willingness to learn, integrate and evolve. Unafraid to understand and know the truth of the human shadow, there was a time that I sought the unhealthy to lose myself to it so I could learn how to crawl out — as if to say, “I did it. You can too.”
Looking back, I realized my attachment to seek the dark was a byproduct of my previous trauma, childhood upbringing, the toxic culture, and my unprocessed wound of needing to prove my worth (ie. my shame).
The self doubt and shame I felt only fed the unresolved cycle.
I wasn’t resourced enough to understand, and despite the additional trauma I took on in adulthood, I had a luggage rack to heal through already.
I can see it very clearly now, two decades later, the disastrous cocktail. Residing in a society that normalized brown/black out drunk mixed with my highly active intellect, unhealed father and mother wounds, and boredom became a recipe for some nasty consequences, compound trauma, extreme loss and pain to others and myself, shattering my Soul into pieces.
As I began to transform my relationship to my inner world, I began to understand my unique and unconventional outlook was actually a gift, not a burden or something to keep in the shadows.
“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”
- Rumi
What felt natural and innate to me, the insight inquiry, could have easily been overlooked.
The confusion of a fragmented culture parading around as “normal” could have become my reality, etching my wounded self-doubt and shame into my existence.
My wisdom of my own medicine could have been brushed to the side because I was conditioned to listen to my mind to “fit in” and to not know the intelligent energy of my body, and my divine connection to my spirit.
I could have denied myself the space of truly embodying my magic.
And so many do.
The Unconventional Is Needed
Years ago when a client asked me about his sister whom I had worked on and off with for a few months, I realized that I wasn’t like most counselors or practitioners. The client wanted to know my take on whether or not his sister had ADHD.
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